Let’s talk about another parenting mistake that I wish I had been aware of beginning when my son, Jordan, was just a little guy:
Trying the same consequences over and over, even though my son’s behavior wasn’t changing, but was actually getting worse.
Last time we met I offered some parenting advice on how to keep from getting sucked into an argument with your teen. As the parent you feel like it is your job to take control of this out–of-control situation, and you’re right, but the method for accomplishing that is remarkably different from what we as parents instinctively do. Usually we increase the volume of our voice to match our teen’s yelling, maybe assign punishment upon punishment as the behavior escalates, and then physically, mentally, and emotionally collapse, because our teen “wins”, by either cursing us out and slamming the door as he flees for the night, or by appearing to acquiesce to our demands, but ultimately doing what he wants to do anyway.
The parenting advice I offered in that last blog was: If you feel emotionally charged, upset, or angry, as you interact with your teen, WAIT, WALK AWAY. Most situations aren’t going to be detrimentally altered by a cooling off period. Then you can go back with some organized thoughts on the matter at hand, and a calmer spirit with which to convey them.
For this parenting mistake of trying the same consequences repeatedly even though they aren’t working, I wish that I had asked myself earlier on in the process with Jordan if 1. Is what I am doing working? And then 2. What else can I do?
As a pre- and early teen, he was extremely disrespectful towards us, so we figured that if he couldn’t act like a decent human being with us, then at those times he should lose that privilege of being with us, and his consequence was incremental amounts of “time-out” in the laundry room, according to the degree of disrespect. I continued to assign what seemed to me to be this logical consequence, but his behavior was not changing in the least, which would indicate that it wasn’t working.
Hindsight tells me, that earlier on I should not have assigned any consequences at all in the heat of the moment, which would have totally felt like giving in as a parent, but instead, I should have gone back to him later to talk about the situation:
- What happened Jordan?
- What made you so angry?
- How can Mom and Dad help you when you are so angry?
- I am sad that your anger was so strong, but you know that there must be consequences for disrespect. What ideas do you have for consequences that might help you learn to be more respectful?
In our situation, I believe we probably would have seen sooner that we needed to find professional help. Though we did go to counselors, we never stayed with one long enough to see if anything would help, and one reason for that, I believe, is that we were hanging onto the old tried-and-true methods that just had to eventually work, if we stuck with them long enough. Big parenting mistake.
I was reading parenting books at the time, but I was not looking for parent support groups that might have existed for the sole purpose of teaching parenting skills to parents of troubled teens. Unfortunately, I only did that once my son was running with the wrong crowd, abusing substances, and getting in trouble with the law. Look for parent support groups, sooner rather than later, and if you can’t find one, look for parents who might understand parenting troubled teens and support you with advice and a comforting shoulder.
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